No one likes having a difficult conversation. Whether you’re letting an employee go, speaking up to a leader about a misstep, or managing a conflict with a peer, stepping out of work mode and into relationship mode can be awkward at best and terrifying at worst.
You’ve likely already heard the basics of managing a difficult conversation: be prepared, empathetic, authentic, and direct. But when it’s time to sit down and address a sensitive issue, there’s more to consider. We asked our Executive Coaches for advice on approaching difficult conversations that you might not hear every day.
Make it clear from the start you’re in this together
Executive Coach Ana Lapera emphasizes the importance of what happens before and after your conversation. “Be aware of your intention and share it with the other person from the start to establish goodwill,” she advises. Then set the appropriate place and time to create a space that maximizes the possibility the other person will hear you. When it’s time to wrap up, make sure everyone not only agrees with the solution, but is satisfied with the result, and understands their role in the next steps.
It’s not about being right
According to Executive Coach Marc Lafeuille, difficult conversations aren’t about winning the argument or convincing the other person to come around to your point of view. “It’s all about sharing perceptions of the issue at hand. Each of you is responsible for your choice to listen and own your part in the challenge and solution.” To shift your mindset, focus on sharing your experience, not your opinion, and enter the conversation with a willing and curious mindset.
How you make them feel is more important than what you say
Executive Coach Michael O’Reilly suggests starting by considering the self-identity of the person you’re having the conversation with. Then reflect on how they view their relationship with you – whether they’re a peer, higher-up, or junior member of the team – and how much trust you’ve already established. His advice: “Before the conversation, ask yourself these three questions: What do you want to accomplish? How do you want the person to feel? And how do you want them to feel about you?”
Feelings aren’t up for debate
“Nobody can argue with what you feel or tell you that you should not feel the way you do,” shares The Preston Associate’s founder and Executive Coach Tom Preston. Difficult conversations are difficult because feelings are inevitably involved. Rather than pretend otherwise, he recommends facing them head-on by framing them as facts: “When you do/say this particular thing, I feel…” Conflicts often happen when fundamental human needs are unmet, so consider the root cause of those feelings and what you need for a resolution.
Good endings make for better beginnings
“Endings and transitions are part of the circle of business life. A strong leader notices rather than minimizes them,” Executive Coach Julie Stokes counsels. When a difficult conversation is about something coming to an end, embracing, rather than fighting against it makes the transition smoother for the individuals and the business.
Don’t wait until your next difficult conversation to grow your skills in cultivating more open, honest, and productive relationships. Mastering difficult conversations involves more than just the words you choose to say. It requires actively seeking personal development, fundamental mindset shifts, and support from colleagues, mentors, or a coach to expand your perspective and offer opportunities for reflection so you can continue to grow as a leader under any circumstance.
Liza Dube is a former marketing and communications leader and executive coach with The Preston Associates. Learn More about how coaching can benefit you, your team, and your business.
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